Social Life?

Hi,
Meandering mind today. (sigh) I do hate that when my brain cannot quiet itself. Even more so when it won't pin itself down to any particular worry. Whee.

Today, I think I'm mostly thinking about friendships. Likely because I'm feeling lonely. I don't really understand friendships. I certainly have no skills at starting one. Thus the loneliness I suppose.

When I was little, I had a sister who was one year older than I, and social. I pretty much got all of my childhood friendships as a result of tagging along with her. I never learned how to establish one for myself. I'm sorely noticing this lack now. Not that I blame her, in any way. I just wish some of her talent had somehow rubbed off on me.

Later, in High School, and even college, my friendships were all a result of Kelly. She glommed onto me in Jr. High, decided we were friends, and from that point forward, her friends were my friends. So, again, I didn't learn how to make a friend, how to approach someone, how to discover if we clicked, how to go from "Hi, How ya doing?" to.. ."Wanna get together sometime?"
Then, post college, I was in a new town, no sister, no Kelly, and no friends. After an incredibly depressing and lonely year or so, there, another single young teacher who was new to town adopted me as her friend. Once again, I learned nothing of the process for how to go about this.

A few years later I married my now ex-husband/current best friend. He was well established in the town, and had friends and such. But then we moved to Reno. Neither of us ever really got into any social circles there. We had work acquaintances and such. And, I think because we had each other, and jobs, that was enough.

Now, I'm married to a man with Asperger's, who only feels the need for 1 friend... me. He has no skills at getting from "How ya doing?" to "Come on over for..." And he doesn't seem to miss it either. That's the problem. I think I do miss it. I'm not sure exactly what I miss... but something is lacking here.

Some of it, I think, is the lack of routine. A lot of it is the lack of purpose, for me. Currently, being unemployed, in a tiny town that has rolled up its sidewalks for the winter, I don't even seem to have "how ya doing?" going for me.

I know that there is a solution out there for me. Once it feels like my health will be consistently good enough for me to volunteer at the local school, and once we can afford the gas to get there and back on a consistent basis, I will be able to establish a routine, perhaps a purpose, and at the very least, the "how ya doing?" kind of connection that I am missing.

Beyond that? I have no idea how to progress beyond that. So far in my life, people have all done that part for me. I'm not sure I can continue to count on that at this point in my life. These are folks who've made a choice to live in this remote village. They are established, have friends and families and commitments. Why would they even think of including me? Why should they add me into their lives? I dunno... (sigh-shudder)

I just honestly have no idea how to proceed, here. I don't have the skills.

We were chatting with a man on the street recently. He suggested trying a church. I think that may be a good idea. But I am also scared, because I don't know how to tell if a church will help or hinder my spirituality, which is tenuous currently. I don't want to fall into false teachings in order to fill a social need. I don't know how to tell the difference between false and true teachings, except by the urgings of my own heart. In the past that has not led to the best of spiritual decisions.

So, now what?

How does a person learn how to make friends?

The Last Minute Christmas

Graphictruth: The Last Minute Christmas - my way of prying open a crack for that miracle to get in.

want, need and necessity

The thing is, due to recent changes in my life, I'm learning a lot about the difference between want, need and necessity. Yes, there actually is a difference between need and necessity. Go figure! I've learned that, although I need anti-anxiety medication, and anti-depressants, they are not actually necessities. With out them I do suffer from depression and generalized anxiety. My mind races in ways that seem unstoppable, and focuses only on worries and problems, and poor choices from the past, and ways to beat myself up. On and on it goes. So, I do need those medications. But they aren't necessary in any absolute terms. The kind of terms I'm learning to redefine these days.

I can live without those medications. I have managed since the beginning of October. Not fun. But do-able. In fact, there are times when I think that if I ever manage to get health care again, I may choose to remain off those medications. It will depend, likely, on what my life circumstances are by then. If I have somehow managed to find a purpose to my life, to create a local support system (or even a friend or 2), and am able to maintain some version of a routine, I might just decide that I don't need the drugs. I might not. Time alone will tell.

Other things that I have learned about the difference between need and necessity: Heat is nice, but as long as the water still runs, blankets and baths will do the trick. Food is a good thing, but ramen will cover that need. Not in any way that is healthy, but actual health, when in survival mode, is optional to a degree.

So, what are actual necessities?
Love, connection, and hope.
Enough nutrition to live, enough warmth to not get frost bite, air and water. But mostly love, connection and hope.

On those days when I'm feeling connected to others, feeling loved and able to love, and feeling even a smidgen of hope, I'm okay. And Okay is a good thing right now!

The problem is, that currently, there is no certainty that we will be able to afford enough ramen, heat and water to make it. Not when we add tobacco to the small list of necessities. Yes, I know, tobacco should be more on the need or perhaps want list. In any version of objective reality, it should not be on any list at all. But, with our current circumstances, lack of other medications, battling depression and anxiety, living in more of a survival mode than I have ever experienced before... tobacco is on the necessity list. At least for now. (more on that in our Tobacco Hanukkah Miracle post)

Any way, current circumstances make hope a hard thing to hold on to. Perhaps I need to replace it with faith! (I'll do a rant on that soon too.)

So, given current circumstances:

• New town, no local friends or support
• No medications
• Truly scary financial situation
• Lack of sunshine
• Upcoming holidays which will need to go unrecognized

How can one hold hope?
I dunno.

Perhaps the trick is in trying to let the future not invade my thoughts quite so much. For today, I have enough heat to not get frostbite inside. For today, I still have ramen noodles and tobacco. For today I can be okay.

Another trick may be to realize that things are really not all that bad. I DO have a home. I do have a husband who loves me, and whom I love. I do have family (although distant) who care about me, and support me in any way they can from this distance. I do have some food in the cupboard and some tobacco in the tin. I have hot water for when the cold becomes unendurable, and I have blankets. I have this computer and a television to fill my days, while I search for a new purpose in life. I'm healthy enough, as are those whom I love. So really, what do I have to complain about? So many people on this planet have it so much worse! Maybe counting my blessings is a way to make it through.

I also know, or perhaps just think or hope, that my current circumstances will not last forever. Eventually my husband will get his disability status back, here in Canada. That will help with finances to a small degree (which will feel huge, by the way) and will help with future health worries, as he will be covered for basic medical, prescriptions, and emergency dental and vision concerns. That will be a relief. I also know (think-hope) that my retirement income will come through. That will help insure our ability to afford rent, heat, and actual food, as well as ramen and tobacco. And, I will likely, eventually, be allowed to become a citizen of Canada, which will allow for my own future health needs, and perhaps give me the opportunity to seek new employment, which might provide for that social network, as well as a new purpose in my life.

So, I do have hope for the future. Its the present that is scary. SO, I must go back to "today". Oh, and that faith thing, I mentioned earlier.

Anxiety

• shaky
• racing thoughts
• cold and hot and cold again
• vibrating to the core
• nothing to hang it on or wrap it in
• aimless
• exhausting, but unable to sleep
• I WISH MY BRAIN WOULD BE QUIET

wheeee...
gotta love free floating anxiety

Add financial concerns, even with the absolute belief that God will take care of us...
Add tapering off Paxil
Add lack of sunshine
Add new town, few friends...
Add way too much free time

GAK ~ No wonder I always hated math (grins)

I've been reading a book by Marion Zimmer Bradley
titled The Ages of Chaos Stormqueen! Hawkmistress!

It's part of the Darkover novels.

Any way, in the first story (Stormqueen!) there is a character who has prescience of a myriad of possible futures. This causes him to panic about possible mistaken action which may lead to tragic ends. His panic is so severe that he becomes too paralyzed to make any kind of decisions or to take any action. He ends up in a monastery and learns that he must own his fear because he generates it within his own mind. He cannot own the prescience in the same way, but he can "own" the fear that results. His teacher in the monastery tells him that he may not ever be free of his fear, but that he could and must learn to become master of his fear.

Unfortunately, he doesn't go on to tell this character HOW to do this miraculous thing.

If I ever figure it out, I'll write a book!

sigh
(trembling)