Faith, ack! - Childhood

Wow, such a big topic. I'm not even sure how to begin. Perhaps I should start with an historical perspective. Personal history, not 'History', as it were.

I was raised in a Catholic family. When we were little, I remember going to church on Sundays. I particularly remember getting all dressed up. Lacy dress, uncomfortable plastic-like hat with that annoying elastic chin strap, stockings (white of course), and those oh-so-common black and white saddle shoes, all shined up. Is it odd that the plastic hat with the elastic chin strap is the most vivid of my early 'church' memories? (shrug)

I remember that during church there was always the threat of being separated from siblings for misbehavior. With 4 brothers and 1 sister, and only 2 adults, I still don't know how they managed us. We weren't given anything to amuse ourselves with, either. It was church, not play time. No books, crayons, gum... just church. I think I remember that we never ate before church either. Something to do with fasting before taking communion? I'm not certain about that...

I remember CCD which is a Catholic version of Sunday school. I think it was on Tuesday evenings. I don't remember anything that was done during CCD. Well, except a bit of stuff leading up to our First Holy Communion. Even that is sketchy. I know I didn't understand it, because on the big day... with my sister and I all decked out in miniature wedding dresses - complete with veil, I remember wondering if I was going to have to eat a piece of Jesus' little toe! Clearly I didn't understand the ritual of communion.

I remember watching a few of my brother's at their confirmation. I also remember being confused. Confirmation is when you declare your faith as an 'adult' in the Catholic church. I think it's like a bar mitzvah for Jewish folks. I was confused about this because See, my mom, or perhaps both my parents, thought of this as the time that one became responsible for their own faith. This meant, according to our parents, that as soon as one was confirmed, one no longer had to go to church. That seemed odd to me. Why would one go through the ritual of confirmation in order to stop going to church? I still don't know, but that's what happened with each of my brothers upon their confirmation. Go figure. In fact, at one point my parents began bribing us to attend church, with the offer of a restaurant breakfast for anyone who went to church with them. It even worked periodically! Not sure if it did anyone any good, as far as church-life goes. It did, likely, add to the familial bond, though, which is always a good thing.

I remember a few times at the confessional. The thing I remember most about the confessional, was that no matter how lame and "surface" my confession was, I always felt some kind of big relief when the priest said "your sins are forgiven you"... even though that was always followed with some lame and seemingly pointless penance. I do vaguely remember one time, when the penance was not actually pointless, but related to the confessed sin. I was shocked! And it was difficult to complete the task as well. I don't remember the details. I think it had to do with slacking on chores or something, and I had to do extra that week ? maybe? Even though the memory is vague, the idea of an actual penance, connected to the sin, has stuck with me somehow. It just seems more just and useful than, say, 5 Hail Mary's or what have you.

As for my own confirmation, I remember that during the CCD classes that led up to it, we were assigned the task of reading one of the 4 gospels, and we were supposed to discuss it, individually, with the priest. I had never seen a bible that wasn't on the altar, so I was shocked at the very idea of reading one for myself. I think in old, old, Catholic tradition the bible was meant only for the priesthood, who then passed on the information to the members of the church, from the altar. I could be mis-remembering that as well, but I definitely remember feeling that reading the bible for myself was somehow dangerous and seditious.

I read the Gospel of Mark, because it was the shortest one. I don't recall any epiphanies or surprises. The only thing I remember from the discussion with the priest was that I was so nervous I could barely breathe, let alone speak. Apparently it went well enough, though, as I was allowed to be confirmed.

My sister and I were confirmed together. It was actually a big deal, for some reason, because the Bishop was officiating. We had to choose a sponsor. Perhaps as an adult version of a god parent, from baptism? I really don't know. Any way, the only person I could think of was my oldest brother's wife. But she wasn't Catholic. So, she ended up being a stand in for my grandmother. I'm not sure either of us understood that at the time, and I feel badly, because I think it hurt her feelings when she realized she was just a stand in. sigh

Any way, my sister and I bucked the trend, and for what ever reason, continued to attend church after our confirmation. I don't now why, honestly, but we did. It might have been for some actual sincerity of faith. It might have been to avoid being added to the litany of "fallen" siblings that my parents added to every dinner time prayer. Saying Grace had become both a prayer for the return to the faith of my brothers (listed by name) And a thanks for the food kind of thing. To me it always felt more like a session of public humiliation, but that may be just been my take on it. In any case, my sister and I did continue to attend church after confirmation.

As we entered High School, church became something more. I'm not sure what, or why, or how. But my sister and I were not just attending on Sundays, but we also went to a weekly Teen thing. Partly "advanced" CCD, and partly social activities. There were even week end retreats and other field trips of sorts involved. We even became involved in a weekly bible study run by some of the Teen leaders. I think this may have been the smallest of beginnings for actually learning about God and faith and those things. I can't remember any specific learning or awakening from this time in my life. It just feels like a foundation of some kind was being laid.

So, that's my religious up-bringing. Next: the college years...