Faith, ack! - College

During college my faith took a variety of twists. The first time I heard the concept of "being saved" was during the college years.

(*Please note: the quotation marks around "being saved" are not meant to be disrespectful in any way. For me, they simply indicate my confusion on this concept, I think)

My family was on a trip of some kind. I remember that my sister and I were hanging around a campground and came upon a group of young adults. I think they were having a sing-a-long, but I could be remembering that badly. (If you haven't noticed the trend, my memory is often vague) Anyway, at some point we became involved in a conversation with some of the folks there, and they told us about "being saved". I don't think either of us put much thought into it, but we went along with them, and said a prayer. After which we were both declared to "be saved" and now we were Christians! Hallelujah. As a Catholic, the idea was pretty foreign. I remember the family getting all angry at the idea that Catholics weren't Christians. "How dare they say that?!?" In my background, the idea of hell and salvation weren't really mentioned, and sin was connected only to the confessional. So the concept of getting saved was new and certainly not fully understood, by me. Any way, my sister and I were now saved, and said so to my mother when we returned to our camper. I am not sure what I expected, but I remember feeling let down when her response was something equivalent to "that's nice." To me, even though I didn't understand the events at all, it felt significant. Something had definitely touched my heart that evening, and "that's nice" seemed like a kind of non-reaction. (shrug)

After this event, I remember singing church songs when I did my chores, and trying to "feel" more when I prayed in church, and stuff like that. I kind of felt the same way I used to feel in the confessional, when the priest declared me to be forgiven. But it seemed to last longer. For a time, I think, my sister hang out with some of the folks we met on this trip. A few of the folks we met were involved in our church choir, as was my sister, if I remember that correctly at all. Then, and one point, I was somehow connected to one of the choir members who had been at the campground. I have no idea how that occurred, but somehow we began to have bible studies at her parents' home, about once a week. I don't remember much of the bible from then, but I do remember that she wanted to make me more nutritionally healthy... start eating breakfast, more fruits and veggies. I think I was one of her college projects? Who knows?
Through her, I also became involved in a retreat and a week long bible study class. During the class I began to get an awareness that this "being saved" thing was somehow big, and important, and that it should be life-changing in some real sense of the word. I met folks that made daily life choices based upon their faith and their biblical understandings. This wasn't just for Sunday any more! It fascinated me, confused me, and in many ways stymied me. I had no idea how to get from point A to point B. I didn't even know where point B was! I just knew I wasn't there.

It was during this time in my life that my sister and I became less connected. She and I were attending different schools. She was engaged, and becoming interested in the Mormon church. I think that was to please her fiance' largely, but as I said, we were less connected then, so I can't really know. Any way, for some reason, she was no longer part of the group of campers, and I was, off and on. I began to feel like it would behoove me to stop being Catholic. Peer pressure, I think. As things went, this connection to that group of folks began to fade into non-existence. I was busy with my college life, depressed about both the loss of my sister and severely depressed about the loss of my "one true love" who had decided to tell me he was gay EXACTLY when I had decided he was going to pop the question. Wrong! I didn't recognize that what I was going through was a depression, but it was. I struggled with it, over eating, not sleeping, and generally keeping myself so over-extended that I couldn't think - ever, for about 2 or 3 years. During which time my religious/faith life kind of gurgled on a back burner, so to speak.

During my last 2 years of college, perhaps just my last year?, my roommates became much more active in their own Christianity. They went to church, bible study, choir, weekend retreats, and talked about God in their lives. In many ways I wanted to be a part of this, but was cut off from it because I spent weekends at home. Not being part of the whole Sunday Church thing somehow made it difficult to be part of the rest. I was beginning to question many things, though. What was salvation? Saved from what? why? how? Was I actually saved? What about Hell? (shudder) How does God want me to be? How can I KNOW any of that for sure? I suppose it's the same old "finding yourself during your college years" story... but it was mine. I struggled with all of this a lot, alone, and with no sources of information. Much in the same way as I struggled with my depression. And in many ways, with the same end results... a long and agonizing journey in a maze with what appeared to be no end.

I think it was around this time that my sister was married, in a Catholic church. Her fiance' was becoming Catholic to 'surprise' her, I think, at the same time she was studying to be Mormon for him. Catholic won. I don't actually know the circumstances surrounding either thing, but that is how it looked from my perspective. You may wonder why I keep bringing my sister up? It's because we were raised as if we were twins. We felt like twins. I remember that, at least once, we even shared a kind of waking dream. When we were little we planned on marrying brothers, living in homes next door to each other, and building a tunnel between the homes to connect them. Being apart from her was painful to me, and still is. I'm not sure how or why, but my journey in faith is also somehow tied to her. It's not like we ever talked about such things... but for me, the tie is still there. ??? I think that because of her marriage, and the fact that our lives were simply no longer in sync, we were much less connected in any real sense of the word. (sigh)

Back to faith and college...

In my last year or two of college, during the summer, some guys knocked on the door. This was during the same time frame as when my roommates were all 'into' church and bible study. Any way, these guys were talking about the bible and I decided I'd be willing to start studying with them. It may have been a way to connect to my roommates more, but I also felt some kind of calling within my heart, I think.

So, I actually remember some of this bible study. I learned about Jesus, some. I learned that God cannot be in the presence of sin, as God is righteous. I learned that everyone sins. Sounds fairly hopeless, eh? We all sin, so God cannot be with us. That's where Jesus comes into the story. I learned that he died on the cross to pay for our sins. Now, of course, I'd heard this all before, but this time it was connected in ways that actually made sense to me. It touched me somehow. And scared me a lot. You will learn, if you read these posts, that faith and fear are a gigantic knot inside me... very intertwined in ways that are probably unhealthy, unrealistic, and paralysing...

After learning that the only way to be with God was through the death of Jesus... (and that was, for me perhaps, more about avoiding Hell, than about being with God) the bible study turned towards the need for baptism. This group of folks believe that getting baptised, as an adult, and a full dunking at that, was the only path to salvation. Well, when they had finished pulling out scriptures to support these ideas, and had answered some of my questions, they seemed to just "wait"... And at the end of that week's bible study, Larry (the one in charge) didn't say anything about when we would next meet up. There was an atmosphere of expectancy and waiting and a feeling that "we're done now" and that somehow, I was supposed to "do" something now.

Part of me was feeling a burden in my heart to take action, to ask to be baptized. Part of me was wondering why... hadn't I gotten saved a few years ago, with my sister? Part of me was willing to do what ever it took, for these study sessions to continue, as I was still hungry for more of this kind of learning. With my Catholic upbringing, I still couldn't trust myself to just read the bible and understand it without some intervening authority figure, I think. And part of me just wanted to have an excuse to continue to see Larry. I think I had a bit of a crush on him?

So, I told him I was ready. I still don't know if I was actually ready. I certainly didn't understand. But perhaps that is a big part of faith. Take a leap without understanding it. Trust that God will do His part and make it somehow real, with or without my understanding. There was a flurry of activity suddenly. Phone calls to who? I didn't know. "Get changed" and I'll pick you up in a half hour, I was told. I changed into something that I wouldn't mind getting wet in. And got into a car with Larry. I had no idea what to expect.

Larry drove me to a house, where there were about 50 people standing in the yard. Then everyone caravaned to a nearby lake. There was singing, and I was baptized. Followed by more singing, and hugs from strangers, and mostly I was overwhelmed by it all. I think that they taught that something with the Holy Spirit was supposed to happen at baptism. I didn't know what, exactly. I don't know if I felt anything that would be explained by the new presence of the Holy Spirit in my heart. I'm not sure faith is supposed to 'feel' like anything. For the most part, it seemed like I was going along for the ride, being swept up in it. Does that negate the salvation? I don't know. Does the fact that my motivation for asking to be baptized was so mixed and multi-faceted negate the salvation? Did God do His part? Or did my own confusion and mixed - purpose prevent Him from effecting my salvation? I don't know.

After I was baptized, I became slowly aware (I can be dense sometimes) that I was expected to become part of a particular church. The house were all those folks gathered was actually a church. The people there were members. They gave me a concordance, signed by church members, with bible quotes and encouragements overflowing through out this book. I ended up becoming involved in a Church of Christ. It was an independent congregation, not connected to The United Church of Christ. They were based largely on the belief that we should be emulating the first century Christians. I think that was pretty much the main teaching of this church. And they were sincere. When someone had a question about why the church did things one way, and not another, they did an investigative bible study, and came to some kind of group consensus about what would be the right action to take, based upon biblical evidence of what occurred with first century Christians. The concept intrigued me. People who actually thought through the 'why' and 'how' based on biblical research? People who made decisions based on what they understood of biblical principals? WOW!

Now, much of what they did seemed weird to me, but not actually a burden. They didn't use instruments during church. They didn't let women speak out in church. We had to go through a male person, most used their spouse. Us single women used whomever... but the extra step didn't seem to hinder me, so I figured 'what ever.' And I assumed that they had done the research to come to these conclusions from some biblical premise, so it was all fine and dandy with me.

So, I continued with this church through the end of my college career, and for a few years afterwards. I attended weekly bible study, unless a class interfered. I went to church on Sundays, often twice, unless I was home for the weekend. I even changed the weekend visiting, to leave fairly early on Sundays most of the time, in order to be back for church.

I learned, too. I learned about the concept of 'once saved-always saved'. And the idea that this might be false. Didn't Paul worry about "losing his crown" or something? I learned that some folks "thought" they were saved, but weren't. Didn't Jesus say something about people expecting to get into heaven, and having Jesus tell them "I never knew you" ? I learned about the gifts of the spirit, and that some people think they are still active on the earth, and others think they passed away with the death of the apostles. I learned about predestination and free will.

I learned that there were more questions, and no answers, and lots and lots more fear than I had before.

Whee!