Faith as a Young Adult

So, here we go again.
After college graduation I got a teaching job in Fallon, Nevada. At first I lived with one of my brother's who happened to be stationed there (in the navy), and later I moved into an apartment of my own.

I still had strong emotional ties to some of the members of the Church Of Christ which I attended at college. These folks desperately wanted me to connect with a Church Of Christ in Reno, which was a 90 minute drive. The drive didn't discourage me so much, but the idea of hanging around in a strange town, with strangers, to get from Sunday morning services through to Sunday evening services seemed a daunting task for a shy person such as myself. And there was a Church of Christ in Fallon. I thought it might be best if I attended locally and become more a part of the community I was living in, so I went there.

It was friendly enough, and though it was more traditional than the church I attended in college, it seemed to have the same basic principals of trying to follow the first century Christians, so I wasn't entirely uncomfortable. It just seemed like it was, perhaps, more entrenched might be the word. For one thing, there was an actual church building with room for Sunday school, and a bus to pick kids up to bring them there, along with an actual home for the pastor and his family on (or next to) the church grounds. And the people pretty much seemed to have already decided upon what the first Christians did, so there wasn't much intense bible study or discussion about the day to day functioning of the church. I just assumed that it had all been hashed out by them in the past. I think, now, that more likely it had been decided upon by some distant 'authority' and just accepted by the congregation. While the end results may be the same, I think the process is important, and these folks (myself included) missed out on a lot by just maintaining the status quo rather than doing any real, personalized inquiries. It just felt like the depth of understanding wasn't there. It was more like... well that's how we've always done it, and ... well that's what the bible says, rather than any real meat to the reasoning behind the 'why' things were done the way they were in this church.

Any way, things fell into a pattern of 2 services on Sundays and bible study (kind of) on Wednesday evenings. The congregation seemed to welcome me, mostly because I was single and employed, and the pastor's son was "of a marriageable age" with no prospects. It was NOT a good match, but the congregation continued to hold out hope for us.

During this time in my life my faith was kind of on hold, really. Church was more of a social thing, or habit, than anything with real significance. There were some exceptions to that, which I hope I can recall and include here. But for the most part, my faith was stagnant, and my participation in the church community was by rote. In that, I wish I had toughed out the 90 minute drive and weird afternoons to attend the one in Reno. (shrug)

As I said, there were a few exceptions to the auto-pilot portion of this experience. One was with a sweet woman whose husband was in the Navy. They had a slew of blond kids. Any way, for a short period of time, I stayed with them. It was just a month (or so) shy of summer, which I would be spending at my folks home in Spokane, and I didn't' want to bother finding an apartment for such a short period of time, just to leave it for the summer months. Carol (I think that was her name) was on a fairly strict diet of her own devising and choice, and also pretty consistent with exercising. I often joined in. She spoke to me about how she had had a huge weight problem, but was content as long as it wasn't affecting her health. But at some point, God had put a burden on her heart about her weight. God was informing her that one aspect of being god-like was self control, and that her weight may hinder others in their own path. Something about her being a visible example. Any way, it was, perhaps, one of the first times I had encountered someone modifying their behavior based on a burden laid onto their heart, from God. It impressed me. I was also clear in understanding, at the time, that God lays different burdens on different people, and that just because God called her to get fit, that may or may not apply to others, depending on God's plan and timing and all. The concept of needing self-control applies to all, I think, but the manifestation of it, and the timing, must rely on God's calling to each person in their own heart.

Any way, things just kind of ... continued... along those lines for about a year, until there was a personal kind of crisis for me. That summer I had to attend a few classes in Las Vegas (before coming to my parents home for the rest of the summer). The classes were needed in order for me to obtain my full teaching credentials in Nevada. Any way, I was staying in a dorm, which was horrid, and just trying to get through the 6 weeks. And a man who had been an elder from the church in Fallon had a home outside Las Vegas. He kindly offered to have me stay with him on the weekends. To give me something to do, some place to eat, and such. (The dorm didn't provide food, and the university cafeteria was closed for the summer, so I was living on canned, cold anything I could get from the nearby convenience store) Any way, things got 'weird' with this man. If you've read much of my postings, you have discovered that I have a sieve for brains when it comes to memory, and that certainly applies to this period of time. In any case, it "feels" like there were inappropriate events of some kind, between this man and myself. What I know for sure is that he terrified me, and once I was away from him, after the first weekend, I hid from him for the rest of the summer. It was all pretty terrifying, and I have no actual ideas about why that is so... what happened? maybe nothing but innuendo and my imagination, but I can only rely on the terror I felt at the idea of running into him again. The classes ended, and I successfully avoided this man and made my way back to Fallon, and on to my parents home for the rest of the summer. Whew, all is well, yes?

Well, not really... because when I returned to Fallon, this man had returned and was an established elder in the church there. I couldn't handle the idea that this man was in a position of authority over me. By this church's reckoning, single adult women were not in authority over themselves. Either their father's still were, or the other church authorities, such as the pastor or elders, held authority over single women until such time as they married. Now, that was loosely the case in the church I attended during college, but it had never been a burden. It may not have been an issue here, either, in any real sense, but the *idea* of this man having any authority over me terrified me to no end. I couldn't get past it. So, my involvement in this church faded, or perhaps ended abruptly. I'm not sure which.

That fall a high school friend of mine moved in with me. He needed some place to stay, I needed a friend. It was all good. He was a spiritually minded person, and we ended up going to a church together. I *think* it was a Church of God, but I'm not sure. It was a little place with a young pastor and his wife, and 4 ancient ladies. They had a vigorous Sunday School ministry and bused in tons of kids for Sunday School and services. It was quaint, and the folks seemed to take God seriously. During this time my spiritual learning's became quite possibly confused. I'm still not sure. This church taught that things like women not cutting their hair, and not wearing pants mattered. Men should shave and keep their hair short, women should never show their elbows or knees, no one should work on Sundays... Most of the bible study here was in short bursts of text, possibly taken out of context, and lined up or connected in ways that weren't meant to be, but I don't know that for sure... At some point I realized I was 'going along with it all' with out any real conviction or calling from God to do so.

Things got estranged with this church community after a year or so, for 2 very different reasons. The first was that they had a somehow-connected visiting pastor (he came a few times a year for 'revival' meetings??) This man had a desire/calling to preach the word in Papua New Guinea. And the local church community wanted me for his life-mate in this. I don't think it would have been a good match. But they did, and my lack of enthusiasm caused some unspoken strain, as it were, between myself and the rest of the congregation. Also, at the time, my roommate had been diagnosed with Aids, and this particular pastor was absolutely phobic about Aids in particular, and homosexuality in general. Now, when a person has just been given a death sentence (as Aids was, back then) the last thing they need from their pastor is a reaction of disgust and fear. We, my roommate and I, didn't stop attending this church, at this time, it just became strained and weird.

Any way, another bunch of circumstances led to eventually leaving this church behind me. Mostly they have to do with my now ex husband. We began seeing each other, and the church sermons went from the sin of sodomy to the sin of an unholy alliance with non-believers. Now, at this point in my life, I was 27 ish, and my only serious prospects for a spouse (ever) were a pastor's son, and a preacher who wanted to move to New Guinea... neither of which had personalities that seemed to mesh with mine. My ex and I were, and still are, best friends. I thought I had fallen romantically in love with him, and perhaps I even had. I'll be honest, I didn't enter into the marriage in a prayerful way. It may have even been an act of spiritual rebellion, or perhaps even of personal desperation. I don't know. Any way, the result of my marriage was pretty much a halt to church attendance and spiritual matters of any import. My ex had no real spiritual bent, then. I think he does now. But it was never really discussed between us, and I think for both of us, spirituality was just on the back burner, at best, during our marriage. Its one of the things I would change if I could... (there are so many)

So, in summary, during my young adulthood, my spirituality was largely based in both fear and unthinking compliance to church traditions.

More in another post... my pagan years... (sigh)