want, need and necessity

The thing is, due to recent changes in my life, I'm learning a lot about the difference between want, need and necessity. Yes, there actually is a difference between need and necessity. Go figure! I've learned that, although I need anti-anxiety medication, and anti-depressants, they are not actually necessities. With out them I do suffer from depression and generalized anxiety. My mind races in ways that seem unstoppable, and focuses only on worries and problems, and poor choices from the past, and ways to beat myself up. On and on it goes. So, I do need those medications. But they aren't necessary in any absolute terms. The kind of terms I'm learning to redefine these days.

I can live without those medications. I have managed since the beginning of October. Not fun. But do-able. In fact, there are times when I think that if I ever manage to get health care again, I may choose to remain off those medications. It will depend, likely, on what my life circumstances are by then. If I have somehow managed to find a purpose to my life, to create a local support system (or even a friend or 2), and am able to maintain some version of a routine, I might just decide that I don't need the drugs. I might not. Time alone will tell.

Other things that I have learned about the difference between need and necessity: Heat is nice, but as long as the water still runs, blankets and baths will do the trick. Food is a good thing, but ramen will cover that need. Not in any way that is healthy, but actual health, when in survival mode, is optional to a degree.

So, what are actual necessities?
Love, connection, and hope.
Enough nutrition to live, enough warmth to not get frost bite, air and water. But mostly love, connection and hope.

On those days when I'm feeling connected to others, feeling loved and able to love, and feeling even a smidgen of hope, I'm okay. And Okay is a good thing right now!

The problem is, that currently, there is no certainty that we will be able to afford enough ramen, heat and water to make it. Not when we add tobacco to the small list of necessities. Yes, I know, tobacco should be more on the need or perhaps want list. In any version of objective reality, it should not be on any list at all. But, with our current circumstances, lack of other medications, battling depression and anxiety, living in more of a survival mode than I have ever experienced before... tobacco is on the necessity list. At least for now. (more on that in our Tobacco Hanukkah Miracle post)

Any way, current circumstances make hope a hard thing to hold on to. Perhaps I need to replace it with faith! (I'll do a rant on that soon too.)

So, given current circumstances:

• New town, no local friends or support
• No medications
• Truly scary financial situation
• Lack of sunshine
• Upcoming holidays which will need to go unrecognized

How can one hold hope?
I dunno.

Perhaps the trick is in trying to let the future not invade my thoughts quite so much. For today, I have enough heat to not get frostbite inside. For today, I still have ramen noodles and tobacco. For today I can be okay.

Another trick may be to realize that things are really not all that bad. I DO have a home. I do have a husband who loves me, and whom I love. I do have family (although distant) who care about me, and support me in any way they can from this distance. I do have some food in the cupboard and some tobacco in the tin. I have hot water for when the cold becomes unendurable, and I have blankets. I have this computer and a television to fill my days, while I search for a new purpose in life. I'm healthy enough, as are those whom I love. So really, what do I have to complain about? So many people on this planet have it so much worse! Maybe counting my blessings is a way to make it through.

I also know, or perhaps just think or hope, that my current circumstances will not last forever. Eventually my husband will get his disability status back, here in Canada. That will help with finances to a small degree (which will feel huge, by the way) and will help with future health worries, as he will be covered for basic medical, prescriptions, and emergency dental and vision concerns. That will be a relief. I also know (think-hope) that my retirement income will come through. That will help insure our ability to afford rent, heat, and actual food, as well as ramen and tobacco. And, I will likely, eventually, be allowed to become a citizen of Canada, which will allow for my own future health needs, and perhaps give me the opportunity to seek new employment, which might provide for that social network, as well as a new purpose in my life.

So, I do have hope for the future. Its the present that is scary. SO, I must go back to "today". Oh, and that faith thing, I mentioned earlier.